Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Let's get the cat blown out
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
