Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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