I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Randomize
