dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
