that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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