Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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