My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
