I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
