I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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