do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
