I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
