you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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