I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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