fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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