he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
