Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
