Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
