I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
