I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
