You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You were trust falling into bushes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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