I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
