Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
