if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
