i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So much rum. So many feels.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
