when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
