I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This is the high leading the old right now
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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