This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
