my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
