im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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