my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
fuck your aforementioned shoe
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
