Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
