He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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