Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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