Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
