i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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