I wish I could teleport
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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