The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
