chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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