just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
