I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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