We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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