Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You may now shotgun with the bride
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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