You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize