You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
