he puts the penis in happiness.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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