im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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