If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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