just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
