I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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