Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
