I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
